journal entry 2


I have been in a highly productive albeit extremely self-destructive, like some Bukowski-Baudelaire-Faulkner binge all wrapped up in hiding out because I am usually outside myself–or completely shut in and trying to ‘catch up,’ why is that? I’m quite sick of it. I do not want to keep doing what I’m doing on a metaphorical, metaphysical and categorical level.

I don’t know how to stop, but I am trying to transition. The issue of making of a living continues to be difficult. I don’t know exactly what to do (and, a long time ago, it seemed like I used to always know exactly what to do, I was known for it in certain circles, but that kind of pressure cannot be withstood forever) about any of it. I don’t want to keep doing what I’ve been doing for much longer. I would like to diversify. It is difficult. Hard to know what exactly to focus on as, say, three job openings, positions or things people would pay me to do.

What is my expertise? I suppose the more clearly I can define that, the better I will be able to attract the kind of partner I need to help get me onto the next plateau, because right now, saving hundreds of dollars just to survive, not get ahead, seems to be a trend here in L.A. right now, just barely ‘hanging on,’ and I am sick of it, would gladly step off the treadmill for a more consistent mediocrity, if need be.

I want to figure out how to be successful at the things I like to do and am good at, which happen to do with entertainment in various forms, media, business concepts (applied, is the problem, that is why I seek a business partner to help me sort it out, strategically).

Now, I have to recover, once again from a binge-ing on the adoption search, a trying to write something cohesive while avoiding and procrastinating, and not coping too well, sort of lost in this weird creative trance that has been exacerbated by bad habits, neglect of health, extreme authorship behaviors–there is something to it. Now I almost feel like I need to go on retreat, somewhere where someone takes care of me for one week, I don’t need much, just not to have to worry about money or my next job or rent, bills, etc. due in a few weeks. Just can’t relax. What you sign up for when you ‘go freelance.’

It does no good to rehash. I could use a bigger space to spread out. What’s next? The life of an acetic if I know what’s good for me, except I live with an addict so my addictions come out, like that dream last night that keeps popping up. Who says being creative in stretches of 36+ hours isn’t a possible option for production behavior — then sleep 17 hours. I don’t know anymore. I know I am doing some wrong things as I achieve right things. I tend to get very self-abusive as if fuels this creative focus, which is strange, because it’s at the distress of my body and I have to get a handle on that.

It’s a daily effort, a mind game, something more to keep track of. And now, it’s just what can I do now. Well, I am slowly coming down from too much excitement and yearning, and now I must face reality. That is all I feel like I do, as I am always ‘networking,’ looking for work, trying to hustle. Ignore what’s going on around me that means nothing.

Survival mode. Again and again. but progress being made, a tv for god’s sake and being able to write this online.

okay, that is enough.

give thanks, for real this time.

4 thoughts on “journal entry 2

  1. I can relate completely to your post. Sometimes I feel as if I’m trapped in a never ending cycle that keeps repeating itself, and I find myself wondering when will it end, but I truly believe that in order for you to “transition”, you must first be recognize that there is a problem. So, in my opinion, it’s only a matter of time until things change for the best

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I truly appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts and experience with me. It’s very much like that Jimi Hendrix line, “I know what I want // but I just don’t know // how to go about gettin’ it…” It’s that unfortunate state of ‘sitting here in limbo’ knowing that change does not happen overnight, despite our impatience for revelation once, as you say, we actually ‘recognize that there is a problem.’

      I am re-thinking my ‘career path,’ as so many Americans right now, and I suppose have some trepidation as to the pressure of making the right choices, or ‘not making the same mistakes,’ or finding alignment for my path, purpose and joie de vivre. Then, there’s always that matter of sustainability, which is quite a challenge when you are basically employed in the extremely challenging field of ‘the arts.’

      I just want to write more, make the tv shows and documentaries that I want to see made and not just rely on these awful bosses I’ve had for my next meal.

      So stay tuned! And thanks again. I am checking out your work, as well.

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  2. I find myself reading your post and wondering how you got in my shoes. I have a life that goes in cycles where I am obsessively focused and then somewhere along the way, I don’t know…do I lose sight of my goal or do I get caught up in the circus that is propelling me toward that goal. Side-tracked doesn’t really cover it…but it is a good attempt. Anyway…wow…*Looks in her shoes* nope, it is still me in there.

    Cheers, Jenn.

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