I have been in a highly productive albeit extremely self-destructive, like some Bukowski-Baudelaire-Faulkner binge all wrapped up in hiding out because I am usually outside myself–or completely shut in and trying to ‘catch up,’ why is that? I’m quite sick of it. I do not want to keep doing what I’m doing on a metaphorical, metaphysical and categorical level.
I don’t know how to stop, but I am trying to transition. The issue of making of a living continues to be difficult. I don’t know exactly what to do (and, a long time ago, it seemed like I used to always know exactly what to do, I was known for it in certain circles, but that kind of pressure cannot be withstood forever) about any of it. I don’t want to keep doing what I’ve been doing for much longer. I would like to diversify. It is difficult. Hard to know what exactly to focus on as, say, three job openings, positions or things people would pay me to do.
What is my expertise? I suppose the more clearly I can define that, the better I will be able to attract the kind of partner I need to help get me onto the next plateau, because right now, saving hundreds of dollars just to survive, not get ahead, seems to be a trend here in L.A. right now, just barely ‘hanging on,’ and I am sick of it, would gladly step off the treadmill for a more consistent mediocrity, if need be.
I want to figure out how to be successful at the things I like to do and am good at, which happen to do with entertainment in various forms, media, business concepts (applied, is the problem, that is why I seek a business partner to help me sort it out, strategically).
Now, I have to recover, once again from a binge-ing on the adoption search, a trying to write something cohesive while avoiding and procrastinating, and not coping too well, sort of lost in this weird creative trance that has been exacerbated by bad habits, neglect of health, extreme authorship behaviors–there is something to it. Now I almost feel like I need to go on retreat, somewhere where someone takes care of me for one week, I don’t need much, just not to have to worry about money or my next job or rent, bills, etc. due in a few weeks. Just can’t relax. What you sign up for when you ‘go freelance.’
It does no good to rehash. I could use a bigger space to spread out. What’s next? The life of an acetic if I know what’s good for me, except I live with an addict so my addictions come out, like that dream last night that keeps popping up. Who says being creative in stretches of 36+ hours isn’t a possible option for production behavior — then sleep 17 hours. I don’t know anymore. I know I am doing some wrong things as I achieve right things. I tend to get very self-abusive as if fuels this creative focus, which is strange, because it’s at the distress of my body and I have to get a handle on that.
It’s a daily effort, a mind game, something more to keep track of. And now, it’s just what can I do now. Well, I am slowly coming down from too much excitement and yearning, and now I must face reality. That is all I feel like I do, as I am always ‘networking,’ looking for work, trying to hustle. Ignore what’s going on around me that means nothing.
Survival mode. Again and again. but progress being made, a tv for god’s sake and being able to write this online.
okay, that is enough.
give thanks, for real this time.