My eyes are numb


I have not slept but I did go through the physical catharsis I guess you could call it that and spent all this time re-furbishing my accoutrements on the floor I am having an out of body experience as the omni-present siren passes by in the distance, why do I torment my body this way? No furniture? Same as my parents? Who knows? I am giddy with possibility because I know it could go away in just one day. That’s how day-to-day this existence is and how I have to embrace that and it’s been a whirlwind and I feel like I’m hallucinating my life right now.

Tomorrow will have been a week since Barry Walker, M.D. died at 2 p.m. in the afternoon, David, Marilyn and I were all there when he drew his last breaths.

I’m very tired, have been up from Cleveland to Detroit to drama in LA all night now about 24 hours since I have been back but today I drove to south central (a blur, numb, all that) and did the nasty and took care of business on a menopausal sex drive level because that was all my brain power could handle that and going through photographs and sometimes organizing the crap on the floor that has come out of the bags I don’t remember packing in Oberlin.

And the sad thing? Just like that perfect poem I composed while walking quite deliberately across a cross walk somewhere I can’t remember if it was here or Ohio but I wrote the perfect Poet Laurete inaugural speech — I nailed the honor and weight of Toni Morrison but made it less pretentious than the Hispanic dude I heard read probably for Bush.

What you are supposed to say and hear no surprises. No Billy Collins freshness, Philip Larkin wry test your logical love of language and that new guy I read in that too heavy book who nailed the first four lines.

Poetry and its appreciation are my butterflies.

I ask that you the lord shall keep me safe and sound when I sleep.

SO that I can live to take on another day with resilience, a positive helping attitude leading me to be alignment with who I want to be and then brandishing a way to dig out of hole, pay off all debts and re-start so I can do something productive and enjoy life more in my last 20 years before it’s all downhill from here, which it is already but I’m trying to be positive and give thanks for the fact that I can walk to the shower even though I choose to sit in the most ungodly uncomfortable position, just like my father.

I love him and I miss him greatly.

That is not what was in my mind to start this post about an hour ago. But this is what it became.

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