sun is shining


For this, I am resolutely grateful. Although, as is my defiant nature, I must say I am grateful in a spiritual sense, but it’s right in my eyes creating the glare I have come to know and bear. Someday I will have perfect lighting.

The purpose of this exercise (because I am working on being focused and disciplined, so I set a theme and then try to achieve what I want to say; it’s partially to see if I even think my brain can handle graduate school so this is my practice). 

The purpose  is to start the measured process of identifying the right work and not wasting time doing whatever has not been working (sending CVs into the void) and so I am supposed to make lists. Daunting.

 
 

Circling back 

Throughout my working adult life (I had many jobs as a kid but I mean once I thought of my job as the idea of what I wanted to become or spend my life doing), I have always methodically chosen my paths.

First it was education but that got turned into social work. I spent the first jaunt of my career in CPD, early childhood education and hospice. I wrote grants and raised a lot of money for other people. I was really good at fundraising and facilitating conflict resolution in rooms of 150 people.

That made sense, looking back, as I had been the one to keep the peace and would even be chastised for not doing enough to to break up a fight in my family. Me, the girl. Breaking up a fight between raging seething familial anger in a condo over Thanksgiving. Uh, yeah, uh, no thanks.But I took it, I took the shame, the way it’d been ingrained in my DNA, although it wasn’t always there. I know it was learned but learned can become inate after time, Stockholm Syndrome of the soul. 

   

 

Everything is a trigger today  

Mercury’s in retrograde 

And by trigger I mean, only what it means to me, as something that’s happens in real life the one we have to deal with in our physical bodies, the one that has an ear ache right now;

  •  the electricity, 
  • the leak, 
  • the car repairs, 
  • the burnt tongue, 
  • the sirens, helicopters, 
  • the broken things,
  • the unfiled papers

Triggering a downward spiral on a slippery slope that I need to stay far away from.

The Central Purpose of the rest of this month’s work, I think. It’s going to be me looking at my work life for the past 28 years and when I ask myself or cringe as wonder why when someone constantly and continuously works on their own self-realization, why does it just feel inevitable? Doomed to the thing you’ve always hated – the

  • can’t escape being the victim role 
  • it’s your body language 
  • You’re doomed!


The Why’s No Longer beckon

because there were no answers that were not lies 
I know I had a high tolerance for verbal abuse, so that’s a huge big sigh. I feel bad for how nice a person I was to certain colleagues when they were wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I’m not in the shadows anymore. 



I suppose the final piece of the existential puzzle would be to find my birth tribe,  whatever they’ve become. 66 & 67. Ohio.

My expectations are frazzled. I am not looking for emotional reprieve. Just curious if I’ve inherited any genetic predispositions that might be nice to know about so I have the option of preventative measures. 

This past year tho the final doozie for me was menopause, which hit me suddenly after I’d been deathly ill & then the stress of a line producer having undercut my rate by 1/3 meant I didn’t have the money to get to see my father onlast time. I had to enlist the help of old friends. Talk about humiliating. 

Ashamed & Silenced: just the way it’s been for as long as I can remember 

I’d gotten laid off for no good reason but I know that is the risk of this business, it’s not as bad as Trumbo for me. No, he actually made money (the going to prison part is what I mean) and had a family. He was scared and it was ridiculous what he went through but I look at his life and I see triumph.

I look at my life and I see a ball of confusion. I don’t want to do the work I used to love because the people are just not worth it. In the end, I guess that’s it. I was given an assignment to define my dream job and it’s sad because I can’t even fathom one right now.

I always used to have a plan. I’d take classes to get better at my craft, put in extra time to get inside the actual show I was  making – the story. I never did a half-assed job, I can say that at least. 

And oh how that dedication cost me. 
  

Everything I ever wanted 

Never to be 


Worth What?

I was writing through some things. As part of the cognitive therapy, I have to meditate which is hard for me. Even attempting emotional honesty is overwhelming and can send me reeling, if I am not careful. 

I never thought of myself as this vulnerable. But it’s as if all my pent up rage at how you treated me when I was nothing but kind and open – it horrifies me for the person I was. 


The synthesis of being and soul carried around in this skin makes it hard for me to be here in this realm it’s been so painful to the point where you don’t even want to talk about it any more because it never changes anything. 

I’ve got the third act of my life to live out and I don’t want it to feel like the last part of act 2, my 40s which pretty much sucked. 

I didn’t want any of that – in fact it had never occurred to me. Not one of those “it can’t get any worse” scenarios – which indeed all got way fucking worse. They were so far off my radar because I just worked and did the right thing coz raised southern honor code. 

At this point, I don’t know if it matters. I know I just have ro try to keep my chin up and that is not easy when you’re going through the places that are never let out of hiding. 

The feeling of being safe, as a child. Innocence. This was simply taken from me. MY plea for help was to become the overcompensating over-achiever extraordinaire all the while cementing my role as the one who will take care of everything so you don’t have to.

 

And as I was working my way though some anger (it’s anger, resentment, hollow sobbing grief or emptiness lately), I realized when I really sat with a memory of how I did my job for so many years – I always quietly did the work other people should have been doing but were too lazy or incompetent to actually do. 
I remember carrying the weight, and it’s something I always do why is that?

I was so excited to start that creative company when I was shit out of luck suddenly for the third season I had been contractually promised. I was so going to turn that bad experience around, I was full of energy and focus for my own endeavor.

Not so sure now.

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